Dust, disses, and dogs

Apr 29, 2020

Dear Friends,

I just want to say that I think you are all fantastic and I am proud of each and everyone one of you just for getting through your day. Really.

Any way you make it through is the right way, but I think my friend and funniest-person-I-know, Raquel D’Apice, found the best way.

Should you follow Raquel on twitter right here or instagram here to see the rest of these? Only if you want your life to be, like, 114% better. But you do you. Oh, and here are her thoughts on “Goodnight Moon” which make me laugh every single time I read them.

While I have you here, I’d like to talk about the Presidential election. Not the 2020 election because just thinking about it makes me want to stab myself in the face. Oh NO, I would like to talk about the 1844 Presidential election. Why? Well mainly because I’m obsessed with Henry Clay’s extremely saucy campaign slogan. It was….wait for it…

“WHO IS JAMES K. POLK?”

How great is that? MY OPPONENT, HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF HIM? It’s like a Real Housewife was running for President. “WHAT? TINSLEY MORTIMER??? DOESN’T SOUND FAMILIAR. TINSLEY. AM I PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY?” the yard signs shall read!

And just imagine having the audacity to be that saucy when this is your actual face:

Henry Clay looked like a skeleton covered in silly putty doing an extremely poor Sissy Spacek impression. And that is what Henry Clay looked like ON PICTURE DAY. Just imagine how he walked around on a regular Tuesday afternoon.

But honestly this was all a warmup to talk about the election of 1928, in which a Democrat named Al Smith ran against Herbert Hoover. And Al Smith’s for-realsies presidential slogan was the following:

Two questions:

1) How did he lose?

2) How was that not Henry Clay’s slogan?

Ok that’s all on elections. Except, obviously, vote in November. But anyone smart enough to sign up for this newsletter already knows that. Don’t make me tell you who to vote for. Every single one of you can do a google and not mess this up.

Finally, dogs. See, we are all various levels of anxious right now. But if one of your greatest sources of anxiety is “There are a lot of dogs out there going around with names that do not suit the dignity and elegance of their station,” well then I leave today by offering you the following, in which I renamed the dogs from the 2015 Westminster Dog Show:

Detective Bonesworth Chowder